"My God, my God, why did you abandon me?"
by Louise Marie Gonzales
There are moments in life when this cry does not feel poetic. It feels personal.
“My God, my God, why did You abandon me?”
Jesus spoke these words while hanging on the cross. Stripped. Wounded. Publicly shamed. In that moment, He did not speak like a distant God untouched by pain. He spoke like someone who knew what it was to feel alone.
For many years, I carried that same cry in my heart.
I married young. I was twenty-three and deeply in love. I left my family in Manila—my mother, my sister, and the large, loud, close-knit clan that had always been my safe place. I left a promising career. I followed my husband to Mindanao and began a new life there. I told myself that love meant sacrifice, and I was willing to give everything.
The first years were difficult. We struggled to have children. During those years, betrayal entered our marriage. I could have left then. We had no children yet. But when he asked for forgiveness, I chose to stay. I believed love could fix what was broken. I hoped things would change.
They did not.
When our first daughter was born, the loneliness deepened. I raised her almost alone. Sleepless nights. Diapers. Fevers. School activities. He was physically present at times, but emotionally absent. Words became weapons. Not bruises on skin—but wounds to the spirit. I began to shrink. To speak less. To doubt myself more.
Years passed. Another daughter was born. Leaving felt even more impossible. I told myself I had made my decision. I had to make it work. I managed the family business yet felt treated like an employee with no voice. I was accused, belittled, misunderstood. In public we looked like a family. In private, I felt invisible.
There were days I would ask silently, “Lord, where are You?”
Slowly, I stopped praying. Not out of rebellion—but out of exhaustion. It was easier to assume God had abandoned me than to keep hoping He would intervene. I forgot how to talk to Him. I forgot how to listen. I carried my pain quietly and focused on surviving for my daughters.
At my lowest, I battled depression. There were dark thoughts I am not proud of. But even then, something inside me refused to give up. If God had abandoned me, I still could not abandon my children. So I lived one day at a time. One step. Then another.
Looking back, I now see something I could not see then.
God had not left.
He was preserving me quietly.
He sent two faithful friends who encouraged me to seek help. I went to counseling. I was given medication. He sustained me through professionals, through science, through small mercies. At that time, I did not recognize it as grace. But it was.
Years later, after the height of the pandemic, I found myself returning to church. I cannot even explain what drew me back. I just went. And during Mass, I began to cry. Not dramatic tears—just quiet ones behind a face mask. It felt as though the words of Scripture were being spoken directly to me. The songs felt personal. In the silence of the liturgy, I sensed something I had not felt in years: God’s presence.
At night, I began to pray again. Slowly. Awkwardly. And in those prayers, peace would come. No answers. Not immediate solutions. Just peace. The God I thought had abandoned me had been there all along, waiting patiently for me to turn back. It was not He who had walked away. It was I who had stopped listening.
When Jesus cried, “My God, my God, why did You abandon me?” He was quoting Psalm 22. A psalm that begins in despair but ends in trust. In the darkness of the cross, there was still a relationship between the Son and the Father. The cry itself was a prayer.
I began to understand: feeling abandoned does not mean we are abandoned.
God also placed people in my life who spoke truth. A priest once told me gently that loving myself was not selfish. That enduring everything at the expense of my dignity was not holiness. That sometimes, saving your family means first saving yourself. His words were unexpected. But they felt like clarity.
With prayer came courage. With courage came planning. Quietly, I began preparing a way out for my daughters and myself. There was no dramatic confrontation. Just steady steps. Boxes sent ahead. Documents arranged. And one day, we left.
That day did not erase the past. It did not magically heal every wound. But it marked the beginning of freedom.
Today, life is not perfect. Rebuilding never is. But I am at peace. I laugh again. I rediscovered the part of me that had been buried under years of fear. More importantly, I rediscovered God—not as a distant judge, but as a Father who never stopped holding me.
This Holy Week, as we hear the Fourth Word, we are reminded that even Jesus felt the weight of abandonment. He entered fully into human suffering. He knows what it is to feel forsaken. But His cry was not the final word.
Before His Passion, He said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Overcoming the world does not always look like dramatic victory. Sometimes it looks like surviving another day. Sometimes it looks like returning to Mass. Sometimes it looks like choosing dignity. Sometimes it looks like peace after years of turmoil.
If you feel abandoned today, know this: the feeling is real—but it is not the truth. God may be working quietly, preserving you in ways you do not yet see. The cross was not the end of Jesus’ story. And your darkest chapter is not the end of yours.
He has overcome the world.
And because of Him, so can we.
Prayer
Lord Jesus,
In moments when we feel alone, remind us that You understand.
When our hearts whisper, “Where are You?”
Teach us to keep praying, even through tears.
When we cannot see Your hand,
Help us trust that You are still holding us.
Give courage to those who need to take difficult steps.
Give peace to those who are still waiting.
Thank You for overcoming the world
And for walking with us through ours.
Amen.
Louise Marie Gonzales is a writer and mother of two who shares reflections on faith, healing, and resilience. Through personal essays and spiritual writing, she hopes to offer comfort to those walking through difficult seasons. She is currently working on a memoir about survival, courage, and rediscovering God in the midst of suffering. Updates about her writing and future book release will be shared on her Facebook page.