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Fourth Word 2020

"My God, my God, why did you abandon me?"


By Celine Yap Mendoza

(Celine is a Certified Supply Chain Professional and is currently based in Malaysia as a Procurement Operations Manager for a multinational firm. She is actively involved in her local Parish of the Church of Divine Mercy.)


Forsaken. Deserted. Abandoned. Alone. Isolated.

With the movement control order imposed in Malaysia due to Covid-19 since mid-March, I have been home alone for more than 10 days now. Sitting in front of my computer and getting my thoughts together for this reflection, I feel even more isolated. I feel even more alone. I feel sad. Vulnerable.

My initial thoughts about this whole deal were all primarily positive. 
Yey! I get to work from home. 
Great! I will be able to get more work done. 
Woohoo! I get more time to myself and an even a happier thought of Yes! I don’t need to take my bath before my workday starts. 

It seems however, I was not prepared for the many other things of isolation ……
Extreme quietness. Contained space. Emptiness. Not knowing what is going on outside of my own front door.

Knowing everyone else is stuck at home, I had that distinct feeling of being abandoned and deserted. No one to take care of me. No one to talk to. No one to hug. No one to entertain me. No one to comfort me. Just no one. it feels heavy; physically heavy and heavy on the heart.

What if I don’t feel well? I am on the verge of crying out, “Somebody get me out of here!”



Episodes of my life over the past year did a flashback. My being alone brought me back to
the time when my dad was seriously ill. It was a very difficult time for me since I had to work and live miles and miles away from my family. It was not the set up that I would have wanted but I had no choice. Medical bills and others had to be paid and I was determined to do whatever I can to try to extend my dad’s life. He was fighting so I had to fight with him.  It was a very lonely ordeal. There were many days when I would go home from work to an empty apartment and just cry. I could not show this weak side of me to my family; I had to be that strong person they needed to keep them going as well. So, I cried alone. Those were the days when I felt the most deserted. My dad succumbed to heart attack as a complication to diabetes and kidney failure. In my heart and in my prayers, I cried out to the Lord, “Why?, Why my dad? Why me and my family?” 

Was this how Jesus felt when he cried out to the Lord – “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Is it that even Jesus felt abandoned too? Did He deserve to be abandoned? But did He blame the Lord? Or was He trying to cry out louder for more attention? Was He reaching out even more, so God takes notice of His suffering, answers Him and heals Him?

I would like to think it was the latter. Isn’t our God bigger than our biggest problems after all?
We have to believe that He is. He is the master planner, the alpha and the omega, the almighty. He knows our needs even before we ask. Easier said than done, I know, but with faith and trust, we will know we just need to cry out even more and reach out even more.  When we feel God is not listening and not answering, let us storm the heavens even more. One day soon, He will hear us. I trust He will.

I continue to cry to this day for the loss of my dad. But I am putting my trust and faith in the plans of the Lord. I may not have gotten all the answers for all my Whys yet but in time, the Lord will. I know He will in His perfect time. He will meet me in the end. 

Through the aches and pains, I have somehow learned:
- To be strong enough to continue to call and reach out to the Lord despite all the challenges and trials in my life.
- To not be quick to abandon Him every time things don’t go the way I want them to.
- To continue to pray and pray even harder when I feel He has not heard me, and not be shy to ask others to pray for me and with me.
- Finally, to do my best to support my family and friends, and those I interact with especially when they are lonely, feel rejected or when they feel not needed. I know a small gesture will go a long way.

My friends, let the Lord lead the way. Let Him take you where He wants you to be. His plan is perfect.


Prayer 

When we cry alone, Lord give us a warm tight hug. 
When we feel weak and lonely, Lord give us the strength to carry on.
When we forget to call on You, Lord tap us on the shoulder and remind us You are here.
We believe in Your perfect plan for us and that You will never abandon us. Keep us firm in the faith. Amen.


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